What a Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday morning I took this picture of myself. I was trying to get a picture of me wearing my Hope4Kay shirt in honor of scan day. I snapped it as I was walking into the nuclear imaging unit where I do my PET scans. I was trying to smile, but I didn’t particularly like the look on my face. But looking at it today… it made sense to me. I see worry, fear, and uncertainty in my expression.

This is how I was feeling.

Honestly, this is exactly how I feel before every scan. There is always uncontrollable stress and anxiety that builds the week leading up to my scan…and no matter how much I try to pray and meditate, it’s still there.

In June, we got incredible news. Two of the tumors shrunk by half and the third was unchanged. I was convinced that my lifestyle changes had made an impact and things were moving in the right direction!! But then July hit, and so did vacations, travel, visitors, and birthdays. My tidy schedule of taking care of myself went into chaos and a girl who loves to eat can only be so disciplined when surrounded by people who eat “normal food.”

I did my best to be mostly good, to rest as much as possible, pack salads and juice, and meditate when I could. But I wasn’t as disciplined or compliant during these last three months. I actually wasn’t expecting a good report (as the picture above kind of shows). I kept wondering, “was being mostly good, good enough?”

Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty “good” by most people’s standards. But even eating the occasional banana, handful of popcorn or digging into a bag of Terra chips (which technically ARE vegetables) made me worry.

A little slip here and there… before you know it, I was feeling like I had weeks of perpetual vacation from my strict cancer-fighting diet.

I had this internal battle in my head; one side of me was kicking myself for not being more strict, the other was rationalizing that I was living my life the best way I knew how given my circumstances. I feel like a guinea pig, not only because they take so many vials of blood for research, but because simultaneously I am doing my own study. Trying to prove that nutrition makes a difference in the fight against disease.

My hope was that yesterday’s scan would just be stable…

so that I could continue to keep living my new normal…

so I could continue to heal on my own…

And so I didn’t have to make any decisions about treatments should we see progression.

Dr. Miklos was running a little late, so his nurse sat down at the computer to share the scan results.

“I already overheard him say that it was stable, so that’s good.” ☺️

The moment she said this a wave of relief completely overcame me as I took a huge inhale. I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath.

Stable. Relatively unchanged.

Dr. Miklos was happy too! It’s always a good thing when you can spend your office visit discussing the books you’re reading or the latest putter he just bought in place of what treatment options we have to consider.

I loved hearing him say,

“Congratulations! Get out of here and go enjoy your family!”

Up to this point, I have been doing all these things in hopes of healing myself of cancer. But today I am doing these things KNOWING I will heal myself of cancer and the shift in this mindset is priceless.

God is so good. He gave me the biggest gift by taking something away..

my Fear and Uncertainty.

I know I had a ton of people praying for me… thank you all for your unfailing love, support and prayers. And thank you Kathy, my dear sister, for watching over the girls this week and helping me manage the chaos in my house this week!!

I have 6 months before my next scan and for the first time ever, I can’t wait to see what it will say.

Starting today I am on a mission, fully committed, to expect a great report in March.

Today I am empowered.

Today I am determined.

Today I am fearless.

Onward and Upward,

Kay

13 comments

  1. May! You have brought me tears of joy! I am joyful for you and your family. I am joyful that our dear Lord holds us close. I am joyful that we all have the opportunity to live faith-filled lives, which you have demonstrated so clearly. Unending blessings and peace I pray for you and all of us! Much love, Hilary

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Kay so excited to hear so many prayers are being answered. I am upping my prayers for you for not so much healing since HE has already shown us HE is doing that, but for joy , acceptance of this new way of eating. Taking away any anxiety or desire for incorrect foods. Giving you the mindset to eat to live, not live to eat! Blessings to you and family 🙏🏻💕 love Kay

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  3. What can I say?! I am completely INSPIRED by you!! You’re the little engine that could… and IS totally kicking some cancer bootie!! I am so proud of you, my wonderful Kay!! Go do like Dr M says.. ENJOY your family! Love you kiddo!! Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love your new blog. Keep this up, you are such an inspiration and witness to a lot of people. It has been a long day today. The trip ends, going back to Chicago tomorrow. Thinking have to ride 10 hour back not very exciting. ❤️ M.om

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  5. This is great news Kay! I pray that you continue improving and can be diligent on your nutrition. Praying for you and your family. So good to have our Lord Jesus Christ at the forefront of life, no matter what. Blessings to you, Greg

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What fantastic news!!!! I’m so excited! Worry is a cancer in itself…but we all hold onto it like it is precious. What a tremendous gift to be able to place that fear and anxiety at the feet of God so that you can continue living the amazing life he’s got planned for you. I love you lots and hope you get to Plano for the holidays. Tell Kathy, Hi! I’m sure she loved getting to spend time with the girls. Her empty nest is probably way too quiet for her now. XOXO

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